Currently I have about 2-4 girlfriends (precise number depends on your definition of a girlfriend). All four know that I have other girls in my life. There is no lying, no cheating, and everyone is happy.
My life wasn’t always like that.
I lost my virginity when I was 18 years old (which for me felt like I arrived wayyyy too late to the party). Damn did that feel good. Unfortunately the day after I lost my virginity I would go on a six-week holiday with my parents, which meant I wouldn’t see my girlfriend for that long. Talk about frustration!
What is worse is that right after that six-week holiday, she broke up with me. So while I was ready to go (like, really ready to go if you catch my drift) I suddenly had no one to go with anymore.
However, once one woman gives you the stamp of approval, it isn’t so hard to find a second one. But this relationship also did not last. This cycle repeated itself a few times. During those times I never really considered the notion that:
- Perhaps I was too young for a “serious relationship”.
- There were many alternatives to a “serious relationship”.
So this cycle went on for a while until one day *boom* it hit me. I found THE ONE. She was pretty, kind, nice, spiritual, easygoing, and so much more. Having a relationship with her was a breeze. Where my previous relationships had lasted no more than 6 months, in this relationship 6 years went in a blink of an eye. It was wonderful, I mean, just look at her at the top of the page!
And this is us together in a way less exciting picture, I know:
We moved in together, got a cat, started living “the family life” until one day I got that question popping up inside me…………..
“Is this it?”
This feeling however did not come out of the blue. Some events happened that lead up to that question. Let me back up just a little.
It happened a few years ago. It was supposed to be a short business trip to Northern Ireland. I was going with a female coworker to check the financials of one of our subsidiaries. As is usual on those trips, after a long day of work you go out to dinner together. And there it happened.
After a few glasses of wine I started to notice that her eyes were actually really beautiful. Her smile was much more warm and loving than usual. The flirtatious banter was a little bit too much fun. F*ck me, am I developing some feelings for her? It looked indeed like there was some chemistry there. This utterly confused me.
You need to understand that I was totally in love with my girlfriend. We had a wonderful relationship and I was in no way planning to end our relationship. But how could it feel so good with my coworker? All I wanted to do in that moment was to reach across the table and kiss my her. And only God and me know what else I wanted to do with her.
But thanks to strong morals and willpower nothing happened that night. However, when I arrived back home I was still utterly confused about what had happened and more importantly, how to proceed from there. My thoughts were racing as I tried to make sense of it all:
“Do I have to leave my girlfriend now, seeing that I could have so much fun and connection with someone else? My relationship is perhaps not as good as I thought, because how could I otherwise be attracted to someone else?”
I felt that I had an impossible choice to make:
- Stay with my girlfriend and forget about the fun, exciting times I had with my coworker and just “suck it up”.
- Break up with the love of my life to create space for adventures and excitement with other girls.
It felt impossible, but I had to make a choice.
Or had I?
Somewhere in the back of my head it did not feel right that I had to make that choice. Adding to that was my belief that when life gives you a choice between two alternatives that seem equally good/bad, there is a third one that you are not able to see.
So for a few days after the business trip I was lost in thought and utterly confused. (Just imagine how that must have been like for my girlfriend at that time. Her boyfriend goes on a business trip with a female coworker and comes back avoiding her, feeling guilty and confused as hell. If that does not scream CHEATER! :))
So what do you do when you have an impossible life decision to make? Yes, you communicate with your partner. So I went to my girlfriend and I said:
“Look there is this co-worker I am feeling attracted to, and I am going to have sex with her, is that okay?
Yeah right I wish. No I put it much more careful. I am summarizing here but it went somewhere like this.
“Hey babe, I must tell you something. On my business trip with **** I had a really nice time with her. I noticed that I felt attracted to her, and that felt really good. If I am honest, it felt so good that I am not sure that I want to give such feelings up for the rest of my life. I don’t want to break up with you, I love you very much. But I also do not want to say no to those kind of feelings of adventure and excitement for the next 50 years.” I would like to explore together our options in this. Perhaps there is a way we can have those feelings and still be together?”
Honestly, if I look back, those words might have been one of the most important words I have ever spoken in my life. These words set off a chain of events of more than two years. In those years our relationship transformed from a traditional monogamous relationship into an open, polyamorous relationship without rules. And yet our relationship is stronger and feels more secure than ever, and our love for each other has only deepened since.
The general idea in society about open relationships is that they are somehow less secure or less loving. That people in an open relationship don’t love each other because how could they “share one another” if they did? Sometimes there are more open-minded opinions stating: “I can see the upside of an open relationship, but I could never do it, I would be way too jealous”. Or something like that. Like there is only a special breed of people who can do open relationships. Believe me that is not the case. And it is also the case that you can not predict whether an open relationship would be suitable for you. You can’t do that because you are “looking in from the outside”.
Just as you cannot judge whether or not you could complete a marathon without ever having tried it.
“But I can’t even run!” you say. Fair enough. But could you maybe walk that distance? Probably you could.
And given some time and training, what would you be able to do then? You don’t know.
Maybe you should find out.
How the 3 principles of authentic action changed my life.
Since starting my open relationship it has been like the world got it’s sense of adventure back. Fun, exciting times are right around the corner and a lot of things seem possible again. Daring to take the jump into absolute love and freedom has really changed my life for the better. And if you have been paying attention, you see the 3 principles of authentic action (3PAA) at work.
1. I felt the the energy building up and moving through me.
Instead of suppressing or denying my inner desires I accepted them and let them guide me. I could have escaped my true feelings by indulging in other activities or dissipate the growing sexual energy by excessive ejaculation, but instead I transmuted them into action.
2. Owning my true (sexual) desires.
Once it became clear what my desires were I had to come to terms with them. Honestly this is an ongoing process since we have been really conditioned in this society that certain desires are either not acceptable or simply impossible (e.g. having multiple girlfriends, casual sex with various women, earning money without a job, etc).
3. Creating space and taking action.
Once it was clear what I wanted and once I knew that it really felt right for me, even though there was a lot of negative feedback from my surroundings and my own social conditioning, I created the space for the conversation and for all steps that came after that.
I honestly believe that all true and purposeful achievement follows these three principles.
My hope for you with this website is that you get inspired to listen to your own feelings, disregard what society has taught you, and boldly take action on that what you know is truly right for you.
Now go and take the first step of your marathon.