Have you ever dreamt of dating multiple people at once? Desired a threesome? Or are you too shameful to admit it even to yourself? Slut shaming others is a big topic in the media nowadays, especially as it relates to women. I agree that this indeed is a big problem in our society. Everyone has the right to do as they please with their own body. What I find to be a bigger problem though is that we are slut shaming ourselves. This is problematic because it stands in the way of our dreams.
Slut shaming is rampant in our society. “Don’t be a pig” or “He only thinks with his dick” are phrases thrown around to somehow diminish the natural desires of men (which often include dating multiple people). “Cheap” or “easy” are the words used against women. (What is the opposite of being easy by the way? Being hard? And the opposite of cheap? Expensive? What, are you negotiating price now? But I digress…….).
Dating multiple people is a natural desire
So what if a man thinks with his dick? What if a woman is “easy”? Those are our birth rights.
How bad these outside influences may be, what is even more damaging the inner talk that is just as negative.
Have you ever beaten yourself up for the fact that you were attracted to another woman while you were in a relationship? Told yourself that this feeling was wrong?
Have you ever called yourself a slut after a one night stand?
Perhaps you felt sexually attraction another person but did not want a serious relationship, yet you did not disclose that fact because you felt that “would be hurtful”.
You need to realize that these thoughts are actually damaging to your true nature. Good thing I am here to set you straight:
- It is perfectly fine to want sexual variety. It is how we evolved as a species.
- It is fine to be attracted to women just because they look hot.
- It is okay to want sex without a relationship. Guess what, many other people want that too!
- It is perfectly fine to want to have sex with Karen while being in a relationship with Laura.
- It is perfectly fine to want a relationship with both Karen and Laura, while having sex with Katy.
It is perfectly fine to design your own relationships the way you want them to be, Disney fairytales and Hollywood stories be damned. If you want to date or have relationships with multiple people, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
(And of course, Karen, Laura and Katy can be substituted with Rick, John and Patrick. I write from a man’s perspective but most of what I write is applicable to women as well)
I will also tell you what is not perfectly fine.
1. Lying to others (AND especially your partner) about what you truly want.
2. Suppressing your own desires or denying them.
3. Secretly acting out your desires by cheating on your partner.
Now I understand that all this might be farfetched and out there for you, especially when you are first starting out in the world of open relationships. It might look like everyone out there is just trying to get themselves a “normal, traditional monogamous relationship” and no one wants to be dating multiple people. But guess what?
A lot of people are discovering that these traditional relationships do not work for them and they are looking for alternatives. There is a huge rise in people exploring polyamory for example because they have realized that traditional monogamy is just no longer working for them.
However, to explore the alternatives to traditional relationships you have to first do some hard work yourself. You have to really give yourself permission to feel in your bones that what you want out of your relationship(s), and ultimately your life.
I would suggest you try the following exercise after at least a week of sex transmutation, because it is very easy to dismiss your true desires when they are diminished by excessive ejaculation/depletion.
Just take a quiet spot and sit still for a few minutes and start to imagine some relationship scenarios in your head. Notice how each scenario makes your body and heart feel. To help you get started I have included some (common) scenarios below:
1. You are living the playboy lifestyle. No steady relationship but plenty of female attention and sex whenever you want. There are a number of women who you can contact and have amazing sex with and share your love, only to return to your solitude afterwards. You value your independence and freedom above all.
2. You have one special lady or men in your life who you love very much, but you also fantasize about the freedom to occasionally have sex with other women that you find attractive. The freedom to have sex with other women is more important to you than to have an emotional connection, because that is what you have with your special lady.
3. You strongly have the desire to form multiple deep relationships. You feel your heart is overflowing with love and you would like to have multiple partners to share that love with, perhaps even living together with multiple partners.
4. You feel that love is already abundant in your life, and you would rather have some sex and companionship without a lot of hassle. Having a few “friends with benefits” would be your ideal situation.
Obviously I could go on and on but you get the idea. Let your imagination run wild. Do not just limit yourself to what seems realistic, because I can assure you, what seems unrealistic to you is being done by thousands all over the globe on a daily basis.
When you get a tingly sensation in your stomach (like you had when you were a child the night before Christmas) or are getting an erection, you are on the right track. Now how is that for thinking with your dick? 😉
I should warn you that this process can be scary, especially when you have been denying or suppressing your true feelings for so long. I remember that when I started this process myself and it revealed that I had desires for other women, alarm bells immediately went off in my head: “But what does this mean for my current relationship!” “Oh my god, I have to break up with my girlfriend“ and a dozen other “oh my god” scenario’s.
Don’t be concerned with that just yet. The purpose of this process is to find yourself first. There is no need to take any actions or to face any consequences. You are just trying to discover your true desires without feeling shame or guilt.
Isn’t that just ego building?
How do you know you’ve found your true desires? As I said earlier, being excited as a child at Christmas is a good indicator. Another good indicator is when you have to cry out of gratefulness, when you imagine that his desire would be fulfilled. Both these emotions come from beyond the ego. If however you experience shallow emotions like “How cool would it be to nail multiple women” or “How awesome would my friends think I am if I had 2 girlfriends”, keep digging, these are not true desires. A good rule of thumb to use here is:
If your desire triggers an enlargement of your self-image, it is not a true desire. It is merely a mechanism to gratify your own ego, and ultimately will not lead to happiness.
If however your desire invokes emotions of excitement, adventure, passion, gratitude, you can be sure that it is a desire that is true to your being.
So let’s say you want to start dating multiple people as well, now what? Now comes the hard part of owning and accepting it completely.
This is very hard to do because what you probably desire is also something that you (unconsciously) believe is wrong, immoral, immature, fearing commitment, selfish, hurtful and so on. Getting rid of that takes a lot of time and practice. I will tell you what I discovered when I did this process:
- I wanted the freedom to connect with a woman the way she and I saw fit. For some women this would be more sexual, for other women more emotional, yet other women more platonic. The point was that there would be no “default way of connecting”.
- I discovered the need to be able to be dating multiple people the way I wanted, when I wanted.
- I wanted the freedom to experience sexual variety.
Now at the moment of this writing, it is almost 2 years ago that I “discovered” these desires consciously, and yet I STILL feel at times that what I am doing is wrong (which it is not of course). So do not underestimate the power of your conditioning. How to accept your feelings and desires? By practicing the following:
- Remind yourself that your desires come from within and are as natural as wanting to eat, breathe and sleep.
- Your desires are personal and no one’s business but you. You have the right to feel what you feel.
- You are not wronging anybody when you are open and honest about your desires and act upon them with integrity.
Although the process of owning your feelings is hard, it is very worth it. Once you accept and own your true desires and feelings, only then you can go out into the world and express your desires and have them fulfilled.
Life and women will test you on this. Expect them to knock you over a few times, as if asking:
“Are you sure you want this? Don’t you think it is wrong, hurtful?”
And it is only when you can look both woman and life straight in the eye and say:
“Yes, this is what I truly desire in my life and it feels right for me.”
Only then they can let down their guard and give you what you want.